


To Be Not the First, But the Last

by Lisa_Telramor



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Bad Decisions, Bisexuality, Drunk Sex, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Hate Sex, Kissing, M/M, Multiple Pairings, one end pairing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 18:29:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6295057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisa_Telramor/pseuds/Lisa_Telramor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hikaru has a lot of romantic encounters over the years, but he likes to think that for the most part he hasn't made too many bad decisions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Be Not the First, But the Last

**Author's Note:**

> Brought on by the random thought of how first relationships are so rarely last relationships, and how rarely that tends to be explored. ...It's not really explored properly here either, as I don't really have the patience to build up one relationship properly right now let alone build multiple, but that's what led to writing Hikaru kissing/dating/sexing multiple characters. Hopefully it's not too jumpy considering it's various scenes with different characters.
> 
> Hikaru's an unintentional heart breaker in this. It also got way more serious than intended at points. >_>
> 
> Also that title came out way too poetic for how unromantic this fic is. But I won't dwell on it. I just wanted to post something this month as I feel like I keep starting fics that 90% done then stall lately. (Stares at another Hikago fic, a Harry Potter daemon fic, a Avatar/HP fusion sequel, and the giant pile of longfic waiting for their turns. T___T)

“Hikaru?” Akari says, cutting off a story about Ochi’s habit of locking himself in bathrooms after he loses.

He stops halfway down the stairs. “Yeah?” She’s two stairs above him, biting her lip like she does when she’s nervous. He opens his mouth to ask another question, but Akari’s face is closer and then her eyes are all he can see before her lips press against his.

Hikaru grabs the stair railing as he almost falls backward and Akari’s lips slide against his wetly. Holy shit Akari is kissing him! Her eyes squint shut and she starts to pull back, but some spark of curiosity has him pressing forward. That’s what you’re supposed to do when someone kisses you, right? You kiss back.

He doesn’t know what a kiss is supposed to be like. For a first kiss he thinks he isn’t doing too badly because there’s no click of teeth or awkward tongue or bruised noses. It’s warm and damp and a little tingly where his lips feel too sensitive and it only lasts a few seconds before they both pull away.

Akari’s breathing too fast and somewhere off to his left Sai is making shocked noises. Hikaru blushes after the fact.

“I…I really like…for a long time really, I’ve,” Akari babbles, “I’ve liked you, Hikaru. Do you think…? Are you…” She can’t look him in the eye but she can’t seem to help touching him either, one hand gripping his sleeve like if she had a little more courage she’d have grabbed his hand.

His lips still feel weirdly tingly and it wasn’t a _bad_ first kiss but…

“Uh. Akari… I don’t…” He swallows, can see her hope dwindling. “Sorry. Sorry, I can’t…” Akari’s…well, she’s Akari and he’s known her since they were little. She isn’t someone he can think of dating.

“Oh.” Her hand slips away. “Ok. Ok I understand.”

“Sorry,” Hikaru repeats, feeling awful. Akari looks like she’s going to cry. To the side Sai is whispering, “Hikaru, no, what are you doing?!” and that makes it feel even more awkward. “Um. We’re still friends though…right?”

Akari blinks back tears and stands straight. She’s higher than he is on the stairs and it makes him feel small. “Of course. I just need to…” She wipes a tear that blinks free. “We’ll be fine.”

They don’t bring up the kiss again.

*

Funnily enough, the next person to kiss him is also from his middle school Go club. Less than a week later, Mitani catches Hikaru alone and punches him in the face.

“Ow, what the hell?!” Hikaru gasps from the bathroom floor. Mitani stands over him, shaking out his fist and breathing hard.

“You’re such an idiot, Shindou,” Mitani says. “If you’re going to reject someone you don’t kiss back!”

Hikaru stares at him because Mitani’s been angry at him since Hikaru left to go pro and Hikaru doesn’t really know what’s going on with people from his old Go club these days, but he doesn’t remember Mitani caring about anyone but himself.

Mitani huffs and grabs the front of Hikaru’s shirt. Hikaru braces for another punch, but instead he’s yanked into a bruising kiss. It’s nothing like the kiss with Akari. It’s too hard, full of teeth that sting his split lip and tastes like blood. It’s over before Hikaru can decide how to respond to it. He lands back on his ass on the bathroom floor with Mitani scowling at him again with a smudge of Hikaru’s blood on the corner of his lip.

“Such an idiot,” Mitani repeats before he storms away.

Hikaru touches his split lip and the beginnings of a bruise on his cheek. “What the heck just happened?” he croaked.

Sai, cowering near the sinks in alarm, shakes his head.

He licks his lips and they tingle a bit like when Akari kissed them, and even though it was kind of painful, Hikaru can’t really call it a bad kiss either. No better, no worse, just different. But ow, his face hurt. Does Mitani hate him? Like him? Both? Is he still mad that Hikaru recruited him only to leave the club? Hikaru winces as his tongue probes the split in his lip. Yeah, he doesn’t really know what to make of any of this.

*

Puberty is kind of awful. Hikaru shifts and tries to ignore his body’s reaction. It’s Sai’s fault. He’s always in Hikaru’s space and hanging off him and being thirteen and a half is awful. It’s bad enough how his body does weird things for no reason, but Hikaru knows that when he reacts to Sai, it’s not like when his body reacts when he’s reading _kifu_ or taking a bath.

Sai’s _pretty_. Hikaru tunes out the story Sai is telling and can’t help staring at his face. It’s an androgynous face, pretty without quite crossing the line to be distinctly feminine. His long black hair looks so smooth compared to Hikaru’s own rough, bleach brittle hair. He wants to touch it. It’d probably feel silky and soft. Sai’s skin would be smooth. They can’t really touch. Sometimes it seems like they almost can, but it’s not touch the way Hikaru can reach out and touch a Go board. Somehow that makes it all the worse because he can look just fine and Sai’s always _right there_.

It’s just a little crush, and Hikaru knows it’s not like anything can come out of it. It’s just embarrassing.

Thankfully Sai has a one track mind so it’s easy enough to distract him until Hikaru can get a hold of his body again. But of all the ghosts to end up with, he managed to get a pretty one…

“Hikaru, play a game with me!” Sai says, breaking into Hikaru’s thoughts with his excited stupid-pretty face too close to Hikaru’s.

Hikaru leans back with a strategically placed knee keeping Sai from seeing his…issues. “We played only a couple of hours ago!”

 “But you don’t have anything else to do today, Hikaru!”

At least Sai is oblivious to this sort of thing. Hikaru sighs without feeling near as reluctant as he is acting and grabs a nearby _goke_. “Fine, fine. We’ll play a game.”

“Yay!” Sai flails happily and settles on the other side of the Go board.

Thank goodness Go has become equally distracting.

*

 

It’s great to play Go against Touya, really it is. Hikaru feels like playing against Touya brings leaps and bounds of insight into his Go and pushes him to new heights in ways most other opponents don’t. He likes to think that his Go is the same for Touya. He wishes Sai could see their Go together, but at least Sai’s Go lives on through Hikaru’s.

But for all that their Go is brilliant together, Hikaru’s also never met anyone who can piss him off quite as fast as Touya can. Like how Touya gets pissed off at Hikaru for making an unorthodox move and then goes and plays 4-12 after it when that is obviously the worst response he could have come up with!

“You aren’t taking this game seriously,” Hikaru growls.

“I’m not?” Touya retorts, just as irritated as Hikaru is. “Have you looked at your lower left corner?”

“You just played 4-12, which if anything lessens your impact in the center. You don’t have room to judge.”

Touya leans over the board and reason number two for how Touya drives him crazy comes into play. Of all the ways Touya could have reminded him of Sai, Hikaru hadn’t expected it to be his damn hair. It has the same straight black, silky look that Sai’s had and it would actually be possible to touch. (If it turns out that he has a legit hair kink Hikaru’s going to be even more pissed off because it would somehow be Touya’s fault.) Touya’s hair swings loose from his shoulder in a smooth wave and drifts a few centimeters away from Hikaru’s hand for a second before Touya’s face is close as he argues his choices on the board.

Hikaru grits his teeth and finally gets why Mitani punched _then_ kissed him because Hikaru’s wanted to do the same to Touya more times than he has fingers. He breathes through his teeth and sits back and doesn’t punch or kiss Touya. He’s spent way too much time getting Touya to recognize him and respect his skills. He’s not going to run Touya off because of some personal sexual tension.

He misses whatever detailed argument Touya had for his position on the board, but that’s fine because it was probably a crappy reason anyway. He has a response waiting all the same. “We’ll just play to the end and see who had the better strategy then.”

Touya snorts derisively and sinks back into his seat. “When we count points, I’ll be a full two _moku_ ahead of you at least.”

Hikaru takes that challenge. No matter how this game turns out, there’s going to be less than a two _moku_ difference between them just to rub it in Touya’s face. 

*

Waya comes back to their shared apartment looking like he just suffered the worst loss of his Go career. Considering that he’d been on a date, it doesn’t take much for Hikaru to realize Waya probably got dumped.

Hikaru sets aside his weekend manga binge and goes looking for the bottle of whiskey his grandfather got him on his twentieth birthday. He doesn’t usually drink so it’s sat in his closet since he got it. Waya breaks the seal on the bottle and Hikaru pours them glasses. It burns on the way down and tastes kind of awful but Waya drinks it with detachment and speed that says he probably isn’t really tasting it anyway.

“I didn’t know she was even upset,” Waya says after the third or fourth swallow. “I thought we were on the same page.” Hikaru pats him on the back and keeps the bottle on hand. He responds to all the pauses as Waya rambles through his date disaster and his relationship until that point and keeps their glasses half full.

Somewhere around the second glass of whiskey, Waya leans against Hikaru and says, “I should date a Go player. They’d understand why Go is important.”

“Date Nase?” Hikaru suggests. He’s had almost as much to drink as Waya. It’s the most he’s ever drank in one sitting and he feels warm and relaxed.

“Nase’s not my type,” Waya sighs. “And she’s dating what’s his face. The guy with the shoulders.”

Hikaru has no idea who the guy with the shoulders is. About the only other girl he’s friends with is Akari and he wouldn’t set her up with Waya even if they’re both good people. It would be too weird.

Waya finishes the rest of his glass and leans even harder against Hikaru’s side. It tips Hikaru into the wall and they sort of slide down a bit, but it’s not uncomfortable. “You’re a good friend,” Waya mumbles against Hikaru’s shoulder. His breath tickles Hikaru’s neck in a way that has his heart beating quicker without his brain really knowing why. “I’m glad we’re roommates even if you can’t cook.”

“You can’t cook either.”

Waya laughs into Hikaru’s neck and shifts more upright with Hikaru’s chest as a balance point. Then they’re face to face.

It feels easy as breathing to lean a little bit down and Waya leans up to meet him. He tastes like alcohol and a little like onions from whatever he had for dinner. It’s chaste until it suddenly isn’t, Waya surging up to lick the back of Hikaru’s teeth like he’s trying to chase the taste of Hikaru’s whiskey down his throat.

Hikaru groans and kisses back. It’s unlike any of the kisses he’s hand before. It’s pretty much every half-guilty daydream—and some wet dreams—he’s had and something about it being Waya makes it better. He’s never thought too hard about it, but he can feel the press of Waya’s body all along his own and he remembers that Waya keeps in good shape. He’s pretty attractive even if Hikaru’s never dwelled on it.

Kissing turns to kissing with touching, and that turns to Waya straddling Hikaru’s lap to grind down against him. Hikaru’s glass of whiskey is spilled somewhere along the way, the liquid soaking into his pants and the rug, but Waya’s hand sliding down Hikaru’s stomach is more important than worrying about stains.

The night ends in a sweaty tangle on Waya’s bed. He has absolutely no regrets about how things went and has a new appreciation for Waya’s hands that could possibly make playing Go against him in public awkward for a while.

Things aren’t any different between them than they were before sharing orgasms. They just have the occasional kisses and sex added on top. Hikaru considers it a win. They spend about three or so months that way before Waya falls hard for a girl he meets at the gym and Hikaru transitions back to platonic friend without any hard feelings.

He feels like he should be upset, or at least a little sad, but Waya’s still Waya and Hikaru’s more interested in his Go than his body.

*

“So,” Waya says with his girlfriend of two months at his side over dinner. “You can say no…”

Hikaru gives Waya a flat look over a mouthful of rice. “Tell me what you’re talking about because that’s kind of a crappy way to start a topic.”

“He told me about how he was involved with you,” Waya’s girlfriend, Yumi, says. “And how he’s not right now.”

“Yeah?” Hikaru’s a little surprised Waya’d brought it up. He and Hikaru never really talked about it even when they were sleeping together. How did that kind of thing even come up in a conversation?

“Are you still into him?” Yumi asks.

Hikaru looks at Waya. Waya’s blushing but he doesn’t look away. “I guess.” No more or less than he was before at least.

“How do you feel about women?”

Hikaru pauses, his chopsticks between his bowl and his mouth. He has a pretty good idea of where this is going. He sets the chopsticks down. “I’m fine with women,” he says, mouth feeling a bit dry.

Waya coughs, rubbing the back of his neck. “So. Sleep with us tonight?”

He weighs the concept over. Yumi’s pretty and nice enough. Waya is Waya. He doesn’t know if he’s into this sort of thing or not, but he’s willing to give it a try. “Sure.”

Yumi smiles and Waya looks relieved and embarrassed at the same time. After dinner they clean up and Yumi pulls Hikaru toward Waya’s room.

It’s fun, Hikaru supposes, but it’s not something he really cares to repeat.

*

Hikaru growls in the back of his throat as hands untuck his shirt. Rough laughter makes the chest against him shake and Hikaru fumbles the other man’s belt.

“I hate you,” Hikaru says as lips brush against his neck with a hint of teeth. Ko’s stupid long hair keeps getting in his face and his mouth and he wishes he’d gone with his first instinct to punch Ko in the face when he first opened his mouth. But that would have been a diplomatic incident, or at least a lawsuit waiting to happen. Ko laughs again bites Hikaru’s neck hard enough to make Hikaru growl louder.

“So loud,” Ko says in stilted Japanese. “Like a dog, all bark.”

“Oh just shut _up_.” He gets the belt free at last and pops the button on the front of Ko’s slacks. This is stupid. Ko is stupid. How did he end up in Ko’s room again? Ah, right, a challenge to a game he couldn’t refuse and enough goading comments that Hikaru thought he really would punch Ko’s smug face. Hikaru takes vicious pleasure in the way Ko’s breath catches when Hikaru plunges a hand down his pants.

A moment later he’s gasping with him because Ko finally manages to get his hand down Hikaru’s pants too. Neither of them are gentle. Ko catches Hikaru’s mouth with a biting kiss and something said in laughing Korean.

It’s a competition as much as their Go games are to get each other to come first. In this at least, Hikaru gets a win, sending Ko over the edge with a wicked bite to his collar bone. The casual wide-collar shirts he prefers on his downtime won’t cover the mark. It makes Hikaru feel viciously pleased.

Hikaru groans as he comes in Ko’s tight grasp. There is no pleasant afterglow, just renewed irritation as Ko laughs at him again. “Too loud to take games seriously,” Ko says. “No wonder Japan loses.”

Hikaru shoves him away, angry at Ko, angry at himself, and angry at whoever taught Ko enough Japanese to let him string together insults. “Fuck you.”

“Next time,” Ko says with a grin.

Hikaru wipes his hand clean on the front of Ko’s shirt, tucks himself back in, and storms out of the hotel room.

What made his brain think that was a good idea? Now he’s angrier than before and feels like he needs a bath or ten to get clean again.

Hikaru can’t look his roommate in the eyes as he gets back to the shared hotel room. He commandeers the bathroom to scrub off all traces of the last half hour. Next time he’ll just punch Ko, potential lawsuits be damned.

*

Dating isn’t bad. He likes everyone he dates. The girls are pretty and nice and fun to kiss. So is the boy Hikaru dates when Emiko dumps him for not being invested enough. Homura is fun and they hit it off great up until it becomes clear that deeper romantic feelings just aren’t coming even if the friendship and physical attraction are. Meirin has some interest in Go and has a wicked sense of humor that Hikaru loves, but they both have different ideas of what their lives are going to be like a few years down the line. Emiko is kind of a mistake from the start because she’s someone that needs more attention than Hikaru can give.

Hiroto is an acquaintance of Isumi’s that he met at a friend get together. While Hiroto is nice enough, he doesn’t really have anything in common with Hikaru at all, and so they mostly have a few hookups before it starts to feel uncomfortable.

Hikaru shuts his phone after that particular breakup and says, “I think I’m done with dating.”

Waya snorts, almost choking on noodles. He’s still dating Yumi, their relationship going strong. “You sure? Not like you really gave those relationships much time to see if they’d last.”

Hikaru rolls his eyes. “It’s pretty easy to tell if something’s not going to work, why draw it out and make things worse?”

“You need more hobbies outside of Go or you’re never going to find anyone.”

“I could still date a Go player,” Hikaru says.

“Are you going to ask Touya out next then?” Waya says, sarcastic.

Hikaru ignores him.

“I’d pay you to ask him out where I can see what kind if face he makes.”

“I’m not asking out Touya.” Waya needs to let go of whatever feud he has with Touya. It’s been more than half a decade.

“Ochi then?”

Hikaru throws a couch cushion at Waya’s head. Waya laughs until the second cushion manages to catch him flat in the face.

*

Hikaru has chapped lips against his and one hand caught in hair that he’s spent far too much time fantasizing about, and all he can think is _I’m kissing Touya and I’m not even angry at him right now_. Touya is still and pliant against him. Hikaru’s stomach feels weird and swoopy and there are too many emotions clouding his brain. It’s the best and worst kiss he’s ever had.

He pulls back. Touya still hasn’t responded. His eyes are wide and his hair is mussed from Hikaru’s hands. His lips are a bit redder and slick from the kiss. _Shit_ , Hikaru thinks, waiting for Touya to get angry or punch him, or whatever else he might do now that Hikaru’s gone and fucked up.

Touya’s eyebrows draw together, a frown coming across his face. _Shit_ , Hikaru thinks again. He can’t handle the thought of Touya hating him. He takes a step back before Touya really does punch him.

“Yeah, well, um, good luck with that tournament in China,” Hikaru blurts before fleeing. Because that’s a thing. And that’s what they’d been talking about before Hikaru’d let Touya’s mouth have gravitational pull on his own.

Thank goodness Touya has a tournament for most of the next month. It will give Hikaru a chance to clear his head and hopefully give Touya time to forget about Hikaru kissing him and maybe not get angry enough that he’ll never want to play Go with Hikaru again.

Shit.

There’s something wrong with him because it can’t be normal to feel so off balance from a kiss. At least Touya didn’t punch him. But he didn’t kiss back either…

*

Yashiro’s move to Tokyo is either the best or worst timing. He moves the day after Toya boards a plane to China with neither of them talking about the kiss. Celebrating Yashiro’s move to Tokyo goes like this: help him unpack in his new apartment, get dinner with Go players in their age group, go drinking because they are all in the legal drinking age these days and, per Waya’s thought process at least, alcohol is more or less a given in a night out. Hikaru has learned that he does not make great choices under the influence of alcohol. It is Hikaru who helps Yashiro back to his apartment, Hikaru who realizes that Yashiro is actually quite attractive (yes, even with his short hair, Hikaru still denies having a hair kink), and Hikaru who realizes that this isn’t actually the first time he’s thought it, he’s just been more distracted by Touya being around at the time to really dwell on it.

In the end, Hikaru kisses Yashiro in the doorway of Yashiro’s new apartment. Yashiro kisses back. They only kiss a few more times, but Yashiro ends up asking him to spend the night anyway.

Hikaru wakes up in Yashiro’s bed, all clothing still in place, to find Yashiro staring a hole in his side from the edge of the futon. Hikaru’s head aches and he swears that next time he won’t drink. Somehow Waya always talks him into having at least one drink despite Hikaru not caring for the taste. He can’t read the expression on Yashiro’s face so he latches onto the only other thing he can process.

“Got any more coffee?” Hikaru eyes the coffee mug in Yashiro’s hands.

Yashiro stares a few beats longer and shrugs. “Yeah. There’s a pot on the counter. You know where the mugs are.”

Hikaru should know where they are. He’s the one who put them in the cupboard when he helped unpack. “Thanks.”

He helps himself to a mug, lamenting that Yashiro isn’t someone who likes milk or sugar with his coffee. He sips at it black and it helps despite the nasty bitter taste. Yashiro’s still watching him. “What?”

Yashiro buries his face in his coffee mug. The tips of his ears turn red. “Uh. How much do you remember about last night?”

“All of it.” Hikaru takes another swallow of coffee. “You?”

“…pretty much the same. Um.” Eyes flick up and away. “So, you like men?”

Is that what this is about? “Yeah. Man, woman, that sort of thing doesn’t really matter to me.” Hikaru thinks a moment and realizes he should probably apologize for last night. “Sorry about the kiss. It doesn’t have to mean anything. We were both drunk.”

“Right.” Yashiro’s whole face is red. It’s cute and Hikaru feels fluttery fondness that gives him pause because shit, he doesn’t need another crush. “Um. Did it mean something? To you?”

There’s a split second debate over whether to answer that honestly, but he can’t tell if Yashiro wants to hear yes or no anyway. “You’re attractive, I have fun when we hang out, and you like Go.” Hikaru shrugs. The fluttery feeling from a moment ago is quickly turning to nerves as Yashiro’s reaction means a lot more to him than he expects. If he’d ever thought about this sort of scenario before, he’d have figured they would laugh it off and go on with their lives regardless of feelings. “I don’t know if it’s a deep emotion or not, but I do like you.”

“Oh. Ok.” Yashiro drains his coffee mug, still red faced. “Um. I never really thought about men or…any of that but… I didn’t mind last night. It was…it was nice,” he says, his face half buried in his knees.

Hikaru wants to smile and pull Yashiro into a hug and he pauses at that desire. There’s something there that could be more. A spark of fondness and interest that’s more than what he’d felt with anyone he tried dating so far. It’s different than the comfortable thing he had briefly with Waya—romantic interest never really was in that somehow. This… From Yashiro’s words and the shy way he glances up at Hikaru, there’s a chance that this could really lead to something. Does he want that?

There’s Touya to consider. Hikaru’s liked him for a lot longer than he’s admitted he’s had a crush.

But Touya didn’t kiss back. (But he didn’t punch him either.)

Hikaru sets aside his cup of coffee and crouches next to Yashiro. “So. What about you? What did it mean to you?”

Yashiro’s eyes flick to Hikaru’s mouth, back to his eyes, and Hikaru can see his answer with no words needed. When Yashiro leans in, one hand resting hesitantly on Hikaru’s arm, Hikaru leans the rest of the way forward to meet him. He lets Yashiro control the kiss and relaxes into it. It’s as nice as last night had been. _Yeah_ , Hikaru thinks _, yeah, I can do this._

* 

Dating Yashiro is nice. It’s very nice and brings more emotions that he knows what to do with, but Yashiro is just as new to this so it works out. Hikaru’s days are full of Go, more texts than he can remember ever sending (he’s still pretty awful with technology but he’s finally able to send messages quickly), frequent meals with Yashiro when they can meet up… Hikaru keeps catching himself smiling. It’s actually freaking Waya out a little.

The only problem is Touya. Because for all that he’s enjoying this with Yashiro, for all that it’s warm and new and exciting, he keeps catching himself in the middle of dates with thoughts about how Touya would like the food. Or Touya would have played his hand differently at certain points in Go. Or how he wants Touya’s smiles to reach his eyes the same way Yashiro’s have been.

It’s the dark cloud in the middle of a really nice month and a half. And the closer he gets to Yashiro, the more Hikaru realizes that even though he thinks of Yashiro a lot, he thinks about Touya just as much and it isn’t likely to go away.

He feels guilty because he is avoiding Touya now that Touya is back from China. Every time he glances him in the hallways of the Go Association, his heart speeds up and he feels guilty in a different way because it feels like cheating on Yashiro. He’s not really someone who can be comfortable liking more than one person at the same time, and horrible as it makes him feel to realize it, he has stronger feelings for Touya than Yashiro despite how his interactions with Touya have always been a mixed bag.

A month of avoiding Touya comes around and he finally talks to Yashiro about it.

He kind of expected it to go badly.

“Has dating me just been to try and get over Touya then?” Yashiro finally asks, point blank.

And Hikaru can’t answer. _No_ isn’t completely true and _yes_ is a lot more complicated than just a yes because he didn’t date Yashiro without feeling anything. He knows he’s hesitated too long when Yashiro looks hurt and frustrated.

“Seriously?” Yashiro says, pulling back from Hikaru’s space.

He hadn’t even noticed the casual intimacy until it was gone. Hikaru swallows. “I do like you,” he says. “I like you a lot. I’ve been happy.”

“But,” Yashiro says. “But it’s not enough is it.”

“It could be. It… I don’t know.” This is where he should make an effort. This is where he should say they can work things out and that he wants this relationship. This is the point all his other relationships have fallen through on only this is the first time he’s felt any real conflicted feelings about it.

“Do you want it to be?”

Hikaru wants to say yes. The word won’t come.

It’s not really a surprise that this is the end of the longest period of dating (really not counting the thing with Waya) Hikaru has managed.

It hurts.

Hikaru curls up in his apartment bedroom later and wonders if there’s something wrong with him. He was happy with Yashiro. In the end it’s Yashiro that got the most heartbreak though and that knowledge is added to the pile of Hikaru’s guilt and regrets. Hikaru came in, shook up his worldview, changed his perception of his sexuality, stole a bit of his heart and couldn’t even give enough of himself back to match the pain in Yashiro’s eyes. He hopes this hasn’t ruined their friendship.

*

“For goodness sake,” Yashiro says maybe two weeks after they beak up, “Stop looking like I’m going to murder you every time we’re in the same room. I’m upset, not angry.”

Hikaru stops trying to subtly inch out of the room. “Sorry.”

Yashiro sighs. “Whatever.” There’s awkward silence that they don’t know how to fill with recent events and Yashiro scratches the back of his head. “So, want to explain why Touya’s on the warpath about you?”

“Is he?” Hikaru hasn’t caught a glimpse of him in over a week.

Yashiro frowns. “You’re still avoiding him? We broke up and you aren’t even…?”

“I needed to clear my head.” Ok, no that was an excuse. He doesn’t know how to confront Touya about everything and he sure as hell doesn’t know how to do it now. It’s been almost three months since he kissed Touya. Three months in which Touya has had plenty of time to think about what happened and plenty of time to get angry. “Shit, he’s going to kill me isn’t he?”

Yashiro snorts. “You tell me. You know him better than I do.”

“Don’t laugh, this is serious! You know he has a temper.”

“Which you have right back,” Yashiro says. “You kind of dug your own grave with this one.”

“…I know.” He sighs. Hikaru kind of wishes he could go hug Yashiro because Yashiro gives awesome hugs, but he’s sure that’d be going too far.

“We’re still friends,” Yashiro says, cutting across Hikaru’s thoughts. “So as a friend, I’m saying you should stop running and talk to him already.”

“I know!” He will, just…he still needs a bit more time. Yashiro’s friendship hasn’t returned to the point of calling him on bullshit though, so they leave things there.

*

Hikaru’s luck has finally run out. He has never been more tempted to run for his life than when he sees a scowling, determined Touya bearing down on him as he is getting a drink from the vending machines. The only other person lingering in the halls scatters, not wanting to be caught in any potential fallout. His hand jerks against the drink machine and something clunks down the chute, but he has no idea what button he ended up pressing.

“Shindou,” Touya says. His voice is level and controlled but his eyes say murder. Hikaru gives one fleeting thought to running for the stairwell, but they do have to talk again eventually.

“Hey, Touya.”

“What the hell is going on? And don’t even pretend that you aren’t avoiding me,” he says before Hikaru can get a word out, “because it’s been obvious.”

Hikaru sigh, shifts, and Touya must think he plans on running because he’s suddenly boxed in against the vending machine. “Uh. Touya?” His voice did not just squeak. Because he’s too old for it to be doing that sort of thing anymore.

“Talk.”

“I panicked and ran off and got even more nervous ok?” Hikaru holds his hands up, keeping them in the space between them like they can ward off Touya’s anger. “In fact I’m still nervous,” he babbles, “and I still don’t know if you’re going to punch me or not and—”

“Shindou,” Touya says cutting off the words Hikaru has no control over. “You started this. And you are going to stop running and let me finish it.” He’s almost snarling, teeth alarmingly close to Hikaru’s nose and Hikaru holds very still. Touya stares him down until he’s convinced Hikaru isn’t going to run before jerking Hikaru forward and crushing their lips together.

It’s kind of an awful kiss. Touya has no idea what he’s doing, but it’s an aggressively enthusiastic one, and that it’s happening at all short circuits Hikaru’s brain for a moment. He really expected a punch to the face, not this.

Touya pulls back, a bit red in the face and breathing harder. “Well. There’s your answer.” He licks his lips and Hikaru can’t look away from them. Holy shit, he kissed Touya. Again. With Touya doing the kissing. “Which I would have given months ago if you hadn’t run off.”

“Oh.” That’s… Wow, he feels like an idiot. Hikaru covers his face with his hands. “So you’re not going to kill me?” he says, muffled.

“No, Shindou, I’m not going to kill you,” Touya says. He sounds somewhere between irritated and amused now instead of just angry. “I still want an explanation for avoiding me for two months.”

“…can I kiss you again first?” Because really, Touya might not want to after Hikaru explains about Yashiro, and he wants at least one good memory of sharing a kiss.

Touya’s eyes narrow but he nods, and this time the kiss isn’t rushed or bruising, but exploratory. Hikaru takes the lead and Touya kisses back. When it ends, Hikaru feels both calmer and more excited in a way that should be contradictory but isn’t.

“We have to do that again. Sometime. Somewhere not in public,” Hikaru adds because he realizes they’re still in the Go Association hallway, and he’s still pinned to the vending machine. Anyone could have walked by and seen them in the last few minutes and neither of them would have noticed.

“You owe me an explanation,” Touya says, but his eyes linger on Hikaru’s lips.

“Let’s go somewhere else then.” Hikaru wriggles out of Touya’s arms and stoops to retrieve his drink. Ugh. Warm milk tea. Too late to get something else though. He leads Touya out of the Go Association and back toward his apartment. They might as well have some privacy.

* 

It is five months and two days and Hikaru is still surprised that he hasn’t screwed this relationship up. Oh, they fight. He doesn’t know what they’d do if they didn’t fight because bickering is as integral as breathing when it comes to interacting with each other. They’re not serious fights though. Ok, there was one fight that had turned ugly about a month and a half ago and they’d broken up, but they’d cooled down and apologized to each other within four hours so Hikaru isn’t counting that as an actual breakup.

“So,” Waya says leaning on the bathroom doorway, “are you moving out or…?”

“No!” Hikaru fights with his tie before giving up. It’s good enough and Touya will appreciate that he’s wearing a suit even if his tie is a little crooked. “Why would I move out?”

“You spend half your nights at Touya’s place,” Waya says drily. “You’d think you were planning on just moving the rest of the way in.”

“It’s way too soon for that.” Live with Touya? They’d probably kill each other if they didn’t get their own space sometimes. On the other hand, waking up next to Touya every day. Hmm. Idea. He’s not sure what to do with that thought, but he’ll turn it over and try and think of a way where they can get the space they need apart with the benefit of being together at the end of a day. “What about Yumi? She’s not planning to move in as soon as I move out is she?”

“Nah, she’s all but moved in already.”

Hikaru pauses, considering. Ok, true, he does see her around on an increasingly frequent number of times a week. And there is the laundry and the new toothbrush and Yumi’s favorite food items in their fridge. He hadn’t noticed it happening. “When’s the wedding.”

Waya wrinkles his nose and shoves Hikaru’s shoulder. “Know what? When I do get married, you’re not going to be the best man.”

“Well duh, that’ll be Isumi.” Hikaru rolls his eyes. He might live with Waya, but Isumi sees more of him than Hikaru does.

“Whatever. Enough primping.” Waya shoos him out of the bathroom. “Go have your date.”

“It’s not a date it’s an official game.”

“With Touya. So it’s pretty much a date.”

Hikaru leaves Waya to his bathroom time.

It’s not a date, but it might become one later. Hikaru catches Touya’s eye when he gets to the Go Association and knows that their game together is going to be one of the best they’ve played so far. He’s only going to keep falling in love with Touya because games only ever keep getting better.

Hikaru hasn’t messed up this relationship yet and he’s starting to believe that so long as it’s Touya, he never will. Because they’ve never been able to leave each other alone and only bring each other higher.


End file.
